weariness and grace

Like little Eldon in the picture above, there have been times this week I have felt like I could pass out any place I happened to land. One night in particular- was it last monday? He had a bad first part of the night, giving me no more than ten minutes sleep at a time with his spitting up and choking noises, then the second part of the night was spent cleaning up Seth's wet bed and coddling an ornery Marcus. I think I got about three hours sleep, no more than fifteen minutes at a stretch that night. (Josh was gone at a pastor's conference that night!)

That morning while the kids watched cartoons I staggered into the office with my coffee and prayed and cried- Lord, I've got nothing. I have nothing to give these kids today, and there are needs everywhere I look. If there is going to be any sort of parenting going on today, any love or patience or joy or anything else, it is just going to have to come straight from you. Lord my heart is much too small for this job. Have mercy on my selfish self and carry me through this day.

Nobody but me fully understands what a miracle it was- but He answered that prayer and carried us through that day. "The Lord hears when I call to Him!"

This week has been full of lessons like that for me. Eldon is a joy though we are still getting used to a baby that actually cries! I am glad he allows me to multi-task- for example, this is Eldon "helping" me put away some clean laundry!

Marcus has now realized he is no longer the baby of the family and he is not happy about it. He often imitates Eldon's cries in hopes I will coddle him the same way! He still basks in the attention of his big sister Lorraine, who declares that he is the second cutest baby in the world (after Eldon- fortunately Marcus doesn't know what 'second' is- he just knows she loves him!)

I have no recent pictures of Seth because he hates having his picture taken most of the time and I am picking my battles wisely with him. He is in the mood lately to make everything a battle. Everything, that is, except eating up the attention given to him by the older girls at church!

And then there is Aggie, my dear Aggie.

Ever since she was diagnosed with epilepsy in the fall, there has been an undercurrent of sadness in our family that permeates everything we do. Sometimes her struggles are the loudest thing on my mind, sometimes she has good days and I almost forget about this trial. Like last weekend, she had three days in a row where she seemed to be doing fantastic, hardly any seizures, and the ones she had were so minor they were hardly a problem.

Then last Sunday her problems returned again. She has begun to have what we call "melting" seizures, where she slowly loses her muscle tone and will collapse to the floor if nobody is there to catch her. In the worst of these kind of seizures, she also has an in-between stage where is regains muscle tone but seems to be hallucinating or something. She gets very loud and combative, often tries to run or hit, but does not seem to know what she is doing and will not respond to anything you say or do for her (this is actually still part of the seizure.) She has to be forcibly restrained at this point until it passes, which last week often took several minutes. When it is over, she is completely exhausted and seems to have no memory of the wrestling match that just took place.

Last Tuesday she had five of these kind of seizures and several small ones in between. When she was not seizing she behaved very oddly- chewing strange things, emotional outbursts, etc. After a four minute melting/yelling seizure, we finally gave her diastat, an emergency medicine designed to "reset her seizure clock" (sort of like a computer reboot), used for extremely long seizures or "cluster seizures" (seizures that keep coming). The diastat kept her seizures away for two whole days, but they seem to be picking up again now. Those seizure free days reminded me of the nights after her MRIs as well- these strong meds do not seem to make her sleepy like most kids, rather she gets wild, uncoordinated, and very difficult to control.

That undercurrent of grief felt more like a flood this past week, as the burden of epilepsy seems to be getting heavier for all of us.

Two months seems like a long time to wait to go to Mayo- they will begin her testing July 15. I intend to go with her and Josh and Eldon while the other kids stay with grandparents. We do not know how long we will stay- it all depends on the results of the testing and what they intend to do for her.

In short, please pray for my little Aggie, and for all of us as we cope with the daily challenges!

Pray for her daily safety- these new seizures are a much greater concern. And please pray for me- I am surrounded each day by enormous needs and my heart is too small for this job! Pray that God would give me wisdom and love as I care for each of these children. I have already hit the bottom of my own resources and I know how desperately I need His strength and his grace every day. He is a faithful Father and He will provide.

The Lord is close the the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers them from them all.
Psalm 34:18-19