Grandma boot camp stage 1

To my mother, the brave soul who intends to stay with us when the baby comes

To get you ready for your stay at the Cook house, I suggest the following training program. For best results, begin one month before your expected arrival date. WARNING: This training is not for the faint of heart. Do not join this program or plan an extended stay at the Cook house if you have high blood pressure, heart problems, or if you desire to keep your sanity.

Stage 1: Physical conditioning

Objective: to prepare your muscles for unusual movements and physical challenges required to survive your week caring for the Cook children.

Explanation of required exercises- Each exercise is to be performed daily. It is recommended that you begin day one doing the most you can of each exercise, then add 5 reps each day throughout the month.

Curls: biceps and triceps- build arm strength for carrying children, carseats, and laundry baskets, for restraint of wiggly children during movies and mealtimes, and firm goodnight hugs. (Plan to give such hugs approximately 6 times per child per night.)

Eyebrow raises

Proper technique is very important in the discipline of the Cook children. To ensure proper technique, practice first in the mirror until you have achieved a look of threatening disapproval. Lift and hold for 30 seconds. When you are satisfied with your performance, advance to the next level.

Level 2

Practice your eyebrow raises on unsuspecting strangers. If your look of disapproval results in a change of behavior, you have achieved proper technique. When you have significantly altered the behavior of 20 separate individuals, advance to the next level. This may take several days.

Level 3- Extra Credit

Eyebrow raises- this time to be performed on immediate family members. You earn 1000 extra points if your look results in any of the following behavior changes: Dad turning the TV down or off, Amy putting back the pizza rolls, Snickers refraining from barking, or anything else that would be considered highly unusual. You must document time, date, behavior change and surrounding circumstances. You are required to procure the signature of your victim for each incident. (If the victim resists, use another “look” to enforce submission. You should be getting pretty good at this by now!)

Squats- do as many as you can each day. These muscles will be called on frequently for picking up toddlers, picking up after the toddlers, stair climbing, getting up quickly from a sitting position, and other unforeseeable events.

EXTRA CREDIT- to help you learn to LOOK before you sit, every surface, every time. To truly master this skill, I encourage you to enlist a family member or two to plant booby traps on various surfaces- toothpaste on the chair, jelly on the toilet seat, etc. It will be a difficult week of conditioning, but you will thank me later.

Obstacle course training

Enlist a friend to scatter various items throughout your house and yard. Without peeking at the mess first, run through the house and yard, dodging the items on the floor as you go. Allow Snickers to follow you and weave between your ankles as you go. Have your assistant rearrange the course each day to keep things interesting. The goal is to do this without injury to yourself or others (this will probably take several attempts.)

Deep breathing/ self-soothing

Practice deep breathing and other self-soothing methods throughout the day. Also suggested: hot baths, Scripture reading, power naps, spontaneous air boxing, and secret chocolate eating. Mastery of self-soothing techniques are important for maintenance of mental health and avoidance of the excessive us of alcohol.

Repeat each of these exercises every day throughout this month of training.

Next week you will enter conditioning stage 2: noise tolerance and focused thinking