Report from the CDC

A mother from a small town in Indiana had an unsettling experience this morning. Upon waking, she discovered her son Eldon had evacuated his stomach contents in his bed during the night. Later that morning much to her surprise, the little boy's pillow pet also lost its stomach contents in the washing machine.



Initial reports indicate the pillow pet may have contracted a viris from his sick owner. If this is the case, it would be the first documented incident of person-to-pillow-pet contamination. Government officials are beginning an investigation. Until official finding are released, all persons owning pillow pets are urged to use proper handwashing precautions around all sick children and sick pillow pets, and to follow carefully all washing instructions for both little boys and pillow pets.

The little boy is unaware of the pillow pet's critical condition, and will be sheltered from the dreadful event until "dog dog's" prognosis is confirmed. Medical officials expressed tentative hope that the pillow pet will make a full recovery after his surgery, scheduled for this afternoon.

I can't make this stuff up.

This is the girl with the wild hairdo.

This is a ball that hit the head of the girl with the wild hairdo.

This is the nose struck by the ball that bounced off the head of the girl with the wild hairdo.

This is the blood that dripped on the floor that came out of the nose that was struck by the ball that bounced off the head of the girl with the wild hairdo.

This is the boy that puked in the gym when he saw the blood that dripped on the floor that came out of the nose that was struck by the ball that bounced off the head of the girl with the wild hairdo.

And this kind of thing, THIS is why teachers need breaks!

Here's to all those teachers out there who survived until this Christmas break!

Thank you all for putting up with days like this!

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you the latest puke report...

Some disturbing news this morning. A young boy by the name of Eldon woke up in a strange pile of slime and an even more strangely smelling diaper. Witnesses say the slime resembled hotdog pieces and partially-digested rasins, but we await confirmation from the forensic department. The resilient boy continues to smile his toothy smile despite the stench. Nasal impairment is suspected and under investigation.

In a strange turn of events, the older Cook children have been pronounced healthy and seem to have received an alien form of super-energy. They will be hosting a wrestling/bike riding/yelling/and havoc-making event in the Cook basement throughout the morning.

Witnesses say the mother of these children has a vacant stare and crazy hair this morning. She appears to be treating her condition with coffee and vitamins. She was last seen hiding in her home office after a round of compulsive lysol-spraying throughout her house. If you see her wandering aimlessly in the fields, please contact the authorities.